There's No Christmas In Heaven

by Devon Hyland

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released May 17, 2013

Album Artwork: thisisrabbit

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Devon Hyland Toronto, Ontario

Devon Hyland is a 29-year-old comedian and musician. Currently a mainstage cast member at Second CIty Toronto.

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Track Name: Walmart Bathing Suit
I showed up to the Wal-Mart,
It was about 15 minutes til closing time,
I was a little rushed, OK,
But I'm not going to make excuses today.

I marched back to the bathing suit section,
Hoping to not catch my reflection,
Didn't like myself that day,
Sometimes Bif does “true say.”

But I don't think it matters,
What you wear when you are swimming all alone.
And I don't think it matters,
What you wear when you are swimming home,
They're probably just glad to see your face and feet and pecks.

I showed up to the slumber party,
I was like 10 minutes late I was a dime-bag tardy,
They laughed at my bathing suit so hardy,
Commented that me no look so smarty,

'Cause I can't do something as elementary,
As to find a suit that looks complementary,
When the top part of me is not clothed,
And the shorts part of me does not show,

Though I don't think it matters,
What you wear when you are swimming all alone.
I don't think it matters,
What you wear when you are swimming home,
They're probably just glad to see your face and feet and pecks.
Track Name: How I Feel About Pop
A lot of people know how I feel about pop.
A lot of people know how I feel about the... Coca Cola.
When I'm running on empty,
And the refills are free,
I'm expecting you to keep those refills coming liberally.

But there's only certain places that do it,
Don't go to some place fancy,
A Boston Pizza will do you fine.
Yeah Boston Pizza for sure does it, that fact just enchants me,
Because they keep my Pepsi filled up all the time.

A lot of people know how I feel about bread,
(Yippity bread, yippity bread.)
Even more than people that know how I feel about the... Coca Cola.
When I'm running on empty,
And the bread refills are free,
I'm expecting you to keep those bread refills coming so liberally.

But there's only certain places that do it,
Don't go to Boston Pizza,
You gotta go to someplace fancy on K-I-N-G S-T,
Boston Pizza for sure don't do it, that fact just enrages me,

Because when it comes to pop they're swell,
But when it comes to bread, it's like a living hell,
There's only one place that does both East side...

East Side Marios, East Side Marios, hey buddaboom buddabing,
Hey buddaboom, buddabing, you do everything.

East Side Marios, East Side Marios, hey buddaboom buddabing,
Hey buddaboom, buddabing, buddaboom...
Track Name: My Love is Dog Shit
This here's the story of how I lost my Jane,
With silly games that children play.

Recount the glory as I relive the pain,
I feel it happening as though it happened yesterday.

"Run my darling, go hide I'll count to ten,
I'm searching after then,
We're lovers and we're friends."

I found my darling, she was hiding in a dog,
No wait, she was accidentally eaten oh my God.

My love is dog shit.
My love is crap.

(She bye bye bye bye)

"Run my darling go hide I'll count to ten,"
I said and then you were accidentally eaten by a chien.

My love is dog shit.
My love is crap.

(She bye bye bye bye)

"Run my darling go hide I'll count to ten,"
I said and then you were accidentally eaten by a chien.
Track Name: Fire of an Old Man
I can't stand waiting in line or giving the right of way,
The wind is a-pickin' on me and I don't care what you say.

I get mad when strangers try to make conversations in elevators,
and I hate when children cry... or laugh.

There's the fire of an old man burning in me,
There's the fire of an old man trying to break free,
Feeling too hot, who is controlling on the temperature?

There's the fire of an old man burning in me,
There's the fire of an old man trying to break free,
I'm literally too hot, where is the shade?


(instrumental verse)


There's the fire of an old man burning in me,
There's the fire of an old man trying to break free,
Feeling too hot, and trying to find some God-damn shade.

There's the fire of an old man burning in me,
The fire of an old man trying to break free,
I'm literally too hot, where is the shade?
Track Name: Fair To Marty
I saw you standing at a party,
and you were holding some Havarti,
I asked who farted and you said, "Marty."

And that is why I have to fly... away.
It's not fair to Marty to listen to the lies,
That you say.

I saw you wearing your new jeans,
Eating from a new can of beans.
I asked who farted again, you said, "Marty."

And that is why I have to fly.... away.
It's not fair to Marty to listen to the lies,
That you say.

No way, no way, no way...